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Good evening. It's wonderful to be with
you again, isn't it, Robert? Yes, it is

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indeed. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall talk to the short

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and rather angry sewage worker who
always gets hold of the wrong end of the

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stick.

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But first, the news.

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The Prime Minister was not at home today
when delegations representing the Boy

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Scouts, the overweight, cigarette
smokers and unmarried mothers called at

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10. So they stood in the street and
shouted, up the Scout, up the Stout, up

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Snout and up the Spout.

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00:00:56,870 --> 00:01:00,870
The following pressure from the
Australian Musicians' Union, the Sydney

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Orchestra is to get rid of all its
British players.

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So tonight is the last night of the
Poms.

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The Crown Public House in Aberdeen had
its charity pile of pennies stolen

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Police said the thieves will not get far
as both coins are marked.

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At Dublin Bankruptcy Court this morning,
Ireland's worst gambler admitted to

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losing his last £600 on the St Leisure.
He lost £200 on the race and £400 on the

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action replay.

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We have just heard that Swedish Massage
Parlours Limited have merged with the

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Women's Voluntary Service to provide
fields on wheels.

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Mr Callaghan has announced that next
year he intends to set foot on the moon.

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And Foot has announced he's going to set
Callaghan on the moon.

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Finally, film

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news. Raquel Welsh has accepted a part
in the sequel to Godfather 2. It's

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Godfather 3. And she'll be appearing as
the two heavies.

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But now a sketch starring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who managed to make himself so

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unpopular at the typing pool Christmas
party that the girls hung him up and

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kissed the mistletoe.

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Fiona is looking magnificent in red
tonight.

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Yes. Trouble is, that damned Carol's
weather clings like a limpid. Yes, I

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but I've got a plan for Carol. I'm going
to foist her off onto some unsuspecting

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idiot. And then I'm going to move in on
the lovely Fiona.

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Yes, yes, there's one there.

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Magnificent, truly magnificent.

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Pardon? That movement there is exciting,
superb, vibrant, primeval.

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Pardon? The way you were pawing the
ground like that, like a stag in rut.

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Absolutely magnificent.

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Oh, God. Bursting with male pride.

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Oh, really, was I? Yes, I know what that
gesture means, you see. That is the

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first impulse in the age -old courting
ritual. Yes, for one heady moment there,

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Gerard's cross became the steaming
foothills of the Kachinjunga.

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Oh, yes, yes. I can respect a man who
can still express rampant desire, you

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know, the old Adam, that dark tide of
passions surging ocean, all encapsulated

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in that one simple gesture.

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Actually, I dropped some shrimp puree on
the carpet.

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I started rubbing it into the pattern
before anyone noticed. I don't tell

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anyone. No, no, no, no. You can't
pretend with me. Every gesture a man

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betrays the inner beatings of his caged
libido. I mean that cheese straw that

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you're holding there. What is that
saying?

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That is saying this is a cheese straw.
It is saying I actually

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meant to have a sandwich at tea time but
forgot.

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I hadn't put any oil in the car and
thought I came here. Well, it might be a

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little while before we have a hot fork
dish. Indeed we do.

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And this cheese straw is actually
filling the hole. No, no, no, no.

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Now, every cheese straw points to which
way the wind is blowing, you know.

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Oh, yes, that surging wind of passion
that roars through your soul, bringing

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with it squalls of reckless lust and
clearing away the grey mists of

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You're not with the Met Office, are you,
by the way?

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What I deal in is the weather of man's
psyche.

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I give the long -range forecasts for
humanity.

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I'm a psychiatrist.

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I see, yes.

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I'm more... I'm more really on the
executive side of things, really. Well,

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actually accurate, I'm more on the sub
-postmaster side of things.

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I'm trained to observe man's inner
turmoil. To the rest of the world, you

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be just a simple little pathetic sub
-postmaster, but to me, you are a caged

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tiger, a stalking leopard.

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Really? You spotted it?

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Yes, every gesture you make cries out to
me in a loud voice, I want that woman

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now. Oh, really? Which woman? Sorry,
which... The woman in the yellow dress

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00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:16,760
there.

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For instance, why are you holding your
glass like that?

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Well, only because otherwise it'd
probably drop to the ground.

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That glass is a woman. It is round, it
is glowing, it is vibrant, it is full.

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Goodness me, goodness me. I didn't...
Well, to be honest, I hadn't noticed

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ladies and gentlemen.

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No, no, no. I've noticed that. What?
You're afraid of your incipient

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aren't you? You're a small man standing
on the ocean's edge, afraid to dip his

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toes. Well, let me tell you, one or two
people at this party tonight have been

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for a swim already.

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Well, that's as may be, but I personally
have no axe to grind. That is not what

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I've heard.

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I've heard that this is one postmaster
who's definitely not served.

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Hmm? Look, do you mind? All I want to do
is stand here, enjoy myself, have a

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quiet evening. I mean, I have no... I've
got no idea how sexy that lady is. I

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have no desires towards her at all. I
mean, she's... She's... Nothing wrong

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00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,320
her. Nothing wrong with me, probably.
But I mean, you know, that's just the

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I am. Yes, of course. Of course, of
course. I understand. You want to talk

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something absolutely tedious and
ordinary. Fine, fine. Yes, that's all

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you don't mind. Do you mind if I have an
olive here? Not at all, not at all.

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Now, in my taking of this olive, I hope
you don't think this resembles or stands

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in any way for a woman. My taking of a
woman. This olive... Olive is small,

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round, it's green, it's... Stop.

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Pardon?

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Yes, no, well, it is in a way, yes,
although I'm not, and that lady probably

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isn't, and anyway, that's about the size
of it. Is it really?

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Yes.

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Standing here with no gestures, no
waving of hands... no complaints, being

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perfectly happy. Do you understand? I
know, and people are beginning to

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Notice what? That you're standing here
doing nothing about it. I mean, you're

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standing there with that pathetic little
cheese store, that glass with that

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pathetic drink. I mean, it's animal, you
know, it's disgusting.

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It's all fantasy with you. Why don't you
go over there and grab that woman in

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the yellow dress and whisk her out of
here? Why don't you? Because you're

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afraid. No, I am not.

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We trivets have no fear.

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We trivets have fire in our blood.

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Then get in there, we trivet.

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You'll come with me. Oh,

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God, the man's colorblind as well.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Manhattan Sun.

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She's a snooty little cutie.

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She's a pert little skirt.

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She's a knockout and a beauty.

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And a flirt.

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Such a dapper little flapper.

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She's just as cute as a trick.

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She's a kissy little missy. A vain
little jay. She's slick.

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She's a classy little lassie.

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A mean little queen.

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And although sometimes she's sassy.

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And mean.

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Just a beautiful romantic she.

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Squirrely little girl you see.

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She's a knockout.

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Kissy little missy, a vain little Jane,
but you're sweet.

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You're a handy little dandy. Ooh, you're
a keen little queen.

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And although sometimes she's bossy. Ooh,
I never mean.

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I'm a fiend for romance with you.

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Yes, she's a classy little lassie, a
keen little

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queen, and oh, sometimes she's classy,
she's never mean.

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I'm a fool for romance, it's true, more
like kisser than you. That's for

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me. She is a cutie, that's a little
cutie.

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Good evening. My name is, um... Uh... My
name is, um...

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00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,590
Uh... Think of me.

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00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:14,350
I wonder if you suffer from a bad
memory, because if you do, I've got some

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00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:21,170
new ideas which may help you. Now, I
myself suffer from a bad... a bad... a

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thing, and... Good evening. My name...
Yes, yes, my name is the same

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as it was before, and I'm now going to
blow my nose.

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Now, you may wonder why I've got a brick
in my pocket.

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So do I.

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00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:40,050
Oh, yes, yes, this is known as a
mnemonic.

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00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,420
An aid to memory. How does it work?

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Ah, yes, of course, yes. Brick reminds
me of Dick. Dick reminds me of

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00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,760
Emery. Emery reminds me of memory.

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That's it. I've got a very bad brick.

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Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Good evening. My name
is... Ah, my name is... Of course, my

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name is... My name is Hammer.

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00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,200
My name is Hammer.

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00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:07,020
My name is Hammerstein. My name is
Hammerstein.

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00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:08,840
My name is...

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00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:10,730
No, my name is Brick.

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00:12:11,990 --> 00:12:13,390
Arbor Brick. Arbor Brick.

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00:12:14,410 --> 00:12:19,290
My name is Arbor Brick, and I am
employed by the government as their

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00:12:20,530 --> 00:12:24,590
Yes, quite. Now, do you know that we
lose over two million man -hours a year

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00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:27,730
to bad memory? Many workers just can't
remember what they're supposed to be

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00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:31,450
making. Last year, we made three million
tons of E -type custard.

157
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So what can you do about it? Well, here
is the government's latest secret

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weapon.

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00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:41,680
Oh, it's a handkerchief with a knot in
it, you see.

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How does it work? Well, the knot reminds
me of the Boy Scouts, which reminds me

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00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,960
of the Brownies, which reminds me of
Doreen Adelson, which reminds me of

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00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,320
knockers, which reminds me of knickers,
knickers, twickers, twickers, rugger,

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00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,380
rugger, cricket, cricket, Allen knot,
and that reminds me of the knot in my

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00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,380
handkerchief.

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00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:00,220
Which, of course, in turn, reminds me of
the other knot in my handkerchief.

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And I haven't the faintest idea what
that one is.

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So remember our slogan, tie a knot in
it, you know it makes sense.

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00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:12,800
Sometimes I forget a word. Now, one word
I always forget, for example, is...

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00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,840
Sorry,

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I've forgotten it. So what I do is
substitute another word I can remember,

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00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:22,940
banana, you see. Now, for instance, I
went straight into my boss this morning

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00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:26,880
and I said, I've been working here for
20 years, I jolly well want a banana.

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And he gave me one, he gave me one, and
here it is. And now I recently painted

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00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:36,000
some classic pictures entirely from
memory, and it really works. Now, look.

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00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:38,530
Here's one, for instance. You see, there
we are.

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00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,950
That's the banana of the glen.

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00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:48,130
Oh, yes, entirely from memory. And
here's the famous Mona banana, of

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00:13:50,890 --> 00:13:55,210
This one's rather naughty. It's Goya's
famous naked banana.

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00:13:58,350 --> 00:14:03,830
Absolutely peeled. Now, I hope that hint
will prove useful. But for those of you

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00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:05,210
with really bad bananas...

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00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,480
Here's an even more useful aid to
memory.

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00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:13,280
Rhyming. Now, I once went to see my
girlfriend wearing this very large nose,

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00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:17,980
see. Now, that was to remind me to
propose, you see. Now, she said, I don't

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00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:21,220
to marry a man with an enormous nose, so
she married a Mr. Crampton in the

185
00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:22,220
finish.

186
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:25,220
He is a man, of course, with an enormous
ice cream business.

187
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,460
And here is one of his cornets, you see.

188
00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:34,270
Corn it, you see, now that, corn it,
horn it, horn it, wasp, wasp, sting,

189
00:14:34,430 --> 00:14:35,430
ping, ping, pong.

190
00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:37,790
It reminds me to mend the lavatory. It's
simple, isn't it?

191
00:14:39,970 --> 00:14:42,970
Now, what else have I got in my pocket?
Well, sometimes, you see, I don't even

192
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:43,970
know what day it is.

193
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,860
There you are, you see, and that helps
me. It's Knickerbocker Day.

194
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,520
No, it's not. It's Chocolate Sunday. The
Chocolate Sunday reminds me. Chocolate,

195
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,980
Easter eggs, Easter Monday. Monday, I
stepped in a pancake.

196
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:56,720
Pancake Tuesday, I was in Sheffield.
Sheffield Wednesday, lost last Thursday.

197
00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,180
Thursday, I went to a fanciest party as
Man Friday, so it must be Saturday. You

198
00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:01,180
see?

199
00:15:02,140 --> 00:15:04,440
Simple aid to a better, uh, to a better
banana.

200
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:08,600
Now, if you have any queries, please
address them to me at this address,

201
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,720
Sir Thingamy Banana, Ping Pong House,
Big Nose Road, Thingamy Under

202
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:12,720
Knickerbocker, Brickshire.

203
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,960
And don't forget to send a stamp to
address Hedgehog. Good banana.

204
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:06,680
Hello, dear.

205
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,240
Oh, you've got a letter there?

206
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,740
Yes. I've just had the postman. Oh.

207
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,340
I thought you were looking a bit
flushed.

208
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:17,320
Well, with George being away, you see.
Yes.

209
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,140
How's he enjoying his week at Clacton,
love?

210
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,860
Well, he'll be all right, dear, as long
as you don't take too much of that

211
00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:23,860
ozone, darling.

212
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,180
Oh, no.

213
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,040
I shall think knowing George he'll stick
to his pipe, won't he?

214
00:16:29,340 --> 00:16:32,320
Shall I make a cup of tea, love? Oh,
lovely. Just need that, dear, yeah.

215
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,300
Now, he's saying in the letter here,
apparently he was trying to sleep in the

216
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:39,520
deck chair, snoring, and this fellow
woke him up there and demanded 20p.

217
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:40,759
Oh, dear.

218
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,360
I didn't know they charged you for
snoring.

219
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,400
I'm not snoring to you for the deck
chair.

220
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,500
Oh, I see. Well, that's quite good. You
know, there's six quid in the shops.

221
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:51,560
Did George give it him?

222
00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:53,920
I think so. They're right over the edge
of the deck chair.

223
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,240
Well, you know how hot -blooded he is.

224
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,500
Yes. I thought that was only after he'd
had his cocoa of an evening.

225
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,360
So, er...

226
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:04,849
What's he on about in his letter, then?
Oh, he's fine.

227
00:17:05,089 --> 00:17:08,970
Oh, well, that's good, isn't it? No, not
good, dear. He's fine, dear.

228
00:17:09,170 --> 00:17:11,369
For hitting the fellow over there with a
deck chair, dear. Fine.

229
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:14,210
£25, dear. For seven days.

230
00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:16,930
Oh, I think you'll make him do the seven
days, won't you?

231
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:20,869
I'm not singing away £25, dear, am I?
No. I mean, how long would it take him,

232
00:17:20,869 --> 00:17:22,369
you suppose, to do seven days?

233
00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:26,089
Oh, well, I should think the way he
moves about three weeks.

234
00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:29,330
Plus, if you're lucky, a fortnight for
bad behaviour.

235
00:17:30,030 --> 00:17:31,450
Oh, we shouldn't laugh at him.

236
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:35,090
Thinking all that time, dear, without
his pipe.

237
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:36,850
Yeah. Do you think you'll manage?

238
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,430
I'll have to force myself as long as my
lungs will stand it. You know what you

239
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:41,229
want to do?

240
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:44,530
You want to get an old tin can, set
light to a bit of rag, stick it in the

241
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:47,270
corner and let it smoulder away, just
like he does. You never know the

242
00:17:47,270 --> 00:17:48,270
difference.

243
00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:52,990
How do you spell wrong, dear?

244
00:17:53,590 --> 00:17:54,950
R -O -N -G, love.

245
00:17:58,740 --> 00:18:00,060
Now, that doesn't look right.

246
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,540
No, well, it's wrong, isn't it? It won't
look right if it's wrong, will it?

247
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:04,820
No.

248
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:09,700
Hasn't he got a W in it, do you? R -O -N
-G -W. No, that'd be dull, wouldn't it?

249
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,180
No. I tell you what, put incorrect.

250
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:14,160
You know how to spell that, don't you?
Yes, of course I do, yes.

251
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,660
I -N -K -O -R -E -K -T.

252
00:18:18,940 --> 00:18:19,940
That's it, yes.

253
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,520
No, sorry, dear, I'm afraid that doesn't
look all that right. Well, look, read

254
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,940
it out to me. I'll see what it sounds
like loud -wise. All right.

255
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:31,540
After all, it was your fault because you
was in the incorrect.

256
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,220
Yes, I see what you mean, yes. Well,
I'll tell you what, by the time he's

257
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:38,580
puzzled that out, I'll be out on parole
anyway, so what's that about?

258
00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:43,660
I know he's told me, he said, not to
send the £25 fine by post, he said, come

259
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:46,720
down and day at Clatton will do you the
world of good, he said. Well, day by the

260
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,300
sea will do us both a pair of good with
love.

261
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:52,440
That's a nice idea. Forget the tea, get
your act here, otherwise we'll miss the

262
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,440
away day special.

263
00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:56,570
Oh, good. Are we going down to see
George at Clacton? No, we're going to

264
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,010
our 25 quid at Bright... Oh!

265
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,640
George, the tap's leaking, the telly
man's repossessed your electric organ,

266
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,340
the dog's done it again. Welcome home.

267
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:42,520
Me and Lil have gone to Brighton. Your
loving wife, Ede.

268
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:47,620
P .S. Your dinner's down the chip shop.
That's charming, isn't it? Down the chip

269
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,160
shop. Have a good day.

270
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:55,060
You back, George? No, no, still down
there, Sid.

271
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,620
uncanny encounters up to third division,
see?

272
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,820
Probably due to the time warp on the A33
between Croydon and the coast.

273
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,220
Eh? Of course I'll back your buck.

274
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,280
Has the week gone already, then? Yes.

275
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:12,840
Time flies, Sidney.

276
00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:14,620
Good thing elephants don't.

277
00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:20,620
I've got it.

278
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,839
Have you?

279
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,080
Have you been anywhere with it?

280
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,600
No, I've got to show it to you first. I
don't want to see it.

281
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,160
you interested, didn't I?

282
00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:32,260
I've never had a racing pigeon before.

283
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,440
Racing pigeon?

284
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:35,940
You bought a racing pigeon?

285
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,640
You don't like birds. You're illogical
to feathers, ain't you?

286
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:42,100
Well, I know that, I know that, but this
one was going cheap.

287
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:43,360
Well, all birds go cheap.

288
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,120
Now, I mean, the fellow only wanted 25
quid for it, and it's a real champion.

289
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,140
Who sold it you?

290
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,640
The fellow down at the pub, you know.
Oh, dear. Not that chap who sold you

291
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,200
great big lump of black moon rock.

292
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:58,500
Yeah, that's him.

293
00:20:58,670 --> 00:20:59,670
The Coleman.

294
00:21:01,750 --> 00:21:04,390
He's done you good, hasn't he? Oh, yes.
Yes, he has.

295
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:07,330
I remember when he sold you that
Elizabeth I wristwatch.

296
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:14,510
Look, George, that was a genuine
antique, you know. In the time of

297
00:21:14,650 --> 00:21:16,530
they didn't have digital watches, did
they?

298
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,390
Well, that's probably why it didn't
work.

299
00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:22,730
I mean, you couldn't ask for more proof
than that, could you?

300
00:21:23,230 --> 00:21:25,970
I'll bring it in, then, and let you
know. Let's have a look at this

301
00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:27,030
then. Go on.

302
00:21:29,570 --> 00:21:30,169
That's it.

303
00:21:30,170 --> 00:21:31,710
Come on in. Keep coming. That's it.

304
00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:35,090
You're a wee bit nervous, you know what
I mean? Yeah. It's highly sprung.

305
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:36,069
Come on in.

306
00:21:36,070 --> 00:21:37,070
That's it.

307
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:38,170
That's it.

308
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:39,530
There we are.

309
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,310
Is it dark?

310
00:21:54,170 --> 00:21:55,370
Eh? Is it dark?

311
00:22:01,550 --> 00:22:04,070
He's a racing pigeon. Oh, gee.

312
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:08,170
He's got webbed feet, unless you bought
a pair of flippers, have you?

313
00:22:10,970 --> 00:22:16,150
Don't go on. That's the feet of his.
That's kind of what's named

314
00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:18,530
Well, aerodynamics, that kind of thing,
yeah.

315
00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:23,050
Oh, he's a duck. He's done you again,
the Coleman, he has. Yes, he has. Yes,

316
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:28,010
has. I remember that time he told you
that day -old golden Labrador pup turned

317
00:22:28,010 --> 00:22:29,290
out to be an hamster.

318
00:22:34,990 --> 00:22:39,410
That was a genuine mistake on his part.
Oh, yeah, well, that's his baby. That's

319
00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:42,670
his baby. I shouldn't try and join the
pigeon fanciers' association with that

320
00:22:42,670 --> 00:22:43,489
thing, innit?

321
00:22:43,490 --> 00:22:47,490
This is no everyday, ordinary racing
pigeon, I tell you. I know, it's an

322
00:22:47,490 --> 00:22:48,490
everyday duck.

323
00:22:49,370 --> 00:22:54,690
It is an Argentinian racing pigeon.
Yeah, Argentinian racing codswallop.

324
00:22:54,830 --> 00:22:56,530
he's got a bill instead of a beak,
innit?

325
00:22:56,730 --> 00:22:57,730
That's his beak.

326
00:22:57,890 --> 00:23:01,390
It was in one of these night races over
the Argentinian pampas.

327
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,240
And he ran into a mountain. That's
what's happened to him.

328
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:06,940
What do you feed him on then?

329
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:09,880
Fish.

330
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,640
He's a duck.

331
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:16,840
He's a rising tin... Look, I took him
out for a test flight. It flies just

332
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,700
a pigeon. Oh, yeah, fast, is it? Oh,
fast. I should say it's not very fast,

333
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:24,560
As a matter of fact, he was overtaken by
a couple of sparrows, but he's got some

334
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,540
stamina. I was out looking for him for
hours, I was. Were you? Where did you

335
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:29,540
find him?

336
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:31,300
Over the duck pond?

337
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,380
It's a duck, isn't it? It's an
Argentinian pig.

338
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:38,000
Look at the... See, he's waggling the
back of himself. Look at that. Look at

339
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,040
that. It's just like a teddy boy's
haircut, the back there, isn't it?

340
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,360
Don't say things like that in front of
him. Maybe you'll offend him. No, I

341
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,960
if he cares, Sid. It'd be like water off
an Argentinian racing pigeon's back to

342
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:49,960
him.

343
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,260
Has he got a name, has he? Yeah.

344
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:55,480
Donald.

345
00:24:04,930 --> 00:24:08,590
It's a duck. It's a race... Look, let's
be fair, let's face facts, shall we?

346
00:24:08,610 --> 00:24:12,310
Look, it's got waterproof feathers, it's
got webbed feet, it's got a bill

347
00:24:12,310 --> 00:24:15,190
instead of a beak, you feed it on fish
and you find it on a duck pond.

348
00:24:15,590 --> 00:24:16,590
And it quacks!

349
00:24:18,530 --> 00:24:19,509
It's a duck!

350
00:24:19,510 --> 00:24:20,670
Oh, really? Oh, yeah?

351
00:24:21,070 --> 00:24:23,870
What am I going to do with it now? Well,
there's only one thing to do with it,

352
00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:26,250
isn't there, eh? You've got to take it
over the park and you give it its

353
00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:27,650
freedom. Tell you what, I'll come with
you.

354
00:24:27,950 --> 00:24:29,330
I've got to give the greyhound a run.

355
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,120
Oh, yeah. I'm teaching it to hunt, you
know. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, right. Hunt,

356
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,160
watch, ducks.

357
00:26:29,910 --> 00:26:35,450
Now here is a joke which my dear little
grey -haired mother used to tell me so

358
00:26:35,450 --> 00:26:38,270
many years ago whenever I had trouble
getting off to sleep.

359
00:26:38,490 --> 00:26:41,890
Now, unlike tonight when I'm having
trouble staying awake.

360
00:26:42,170 --> 00:26:47,250
But that obviously will give you some
idea of how riveting tonight's joke is.

361
00:26:47,390 --> 00:26:51,830
I'll be honest, this story has all the
excitement of an overdose of Horlicks.

362
00:26:54,630 --> 00:26:59,590
As usual, I'm afraid it's not entirely
new. In fact, the history books show

363
00:26:59,590 --> 00:27:03,190
this joke was originally a big favourite
at the court of King Henry VIII.

364
00:27:03,450 --> 00:27:06,570
When you think of it, times haven't
changed much either. In those days, if

365
00:27:06,570 --> 00:27:08,450
told bad jokes, you ended up on the
chopping block.

366
00:27:08,950 --> 00:27:11,550
Today, you end up in Celebrity Squares.
It's just a matter of time.

367
00:27:12,450 --> 00:27:19,010
So, you see, I have had a very sheltered
life, and my first rude

368
00:27:19,010 --> 00:27:23,570
awakening to the seamier side of life
came one night, strange enough, when I

369
00:27:23,570 --> 00:27:25,570
around a girl's house playing a game of
chess.

370
00:27:26,130 --> 00:27:30,490
Now, she'd just got one of her pawns all
the way to my end of the board, and I

371
00:27:30,490 --> 00:27:33,430
rather foolishly asked her if she wanted
to make a night of it.

372
00:27:33,870 --> 00:27:36,630
Now, we never played.

373
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:44,350
We never... No groans, please. We never
played a lot of chess after that, or

374
00:27:44,350 --> 00:27:49,870
did jokes of that nature either. Anyway,
I suppose my strict upbringing was due

375
00:27:49,870 --> 00:27:53,430
in part to the fact that ours was a very
pious, religious sort of community.

376
00:27:53,790 --> 00:27:57,510
I remember where we lived, the local
Catholic church had to board up the

377
00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:58,510
confessional box.

378
00:27:58,730 --> 00:28:03,150
Every Sunday evening, we all used to
gather outside the church and pray for

379
00:28:03,150 --> 00:28:04,150
wicked women.

380
00:28:09,100 --> 00:28:10,100
yes, none of them turned up.

381
00:28:11,540 --> 00:28:15,920
And I shall never forget the day, I
shall never forget, you're too good for

382
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:21,620
show, I shall never forget the day the
town's Mormon missionary came round

383
00:28:21,620 --> 00:28:25,420
everyone's door, knocked on the door, he
said, all in my life, he said, my life.

384
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,420
Sometimes I don't think his heart was in
his job.

385
00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:34,620
No, I should point out, he was actually
half Jewish and half Mormon.

386
00:28:35,060 --> 00:28:36,960
His parents came from Salt Beach City.

387
00:28:53,260 --> 00:28:57,120
at 6 .35 next Tuesday and everybody took
it so seriously. I remember the

388
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,260
Catholics rushed off and organised the
last minute match.

389
00:28:59,580 --> 00:29:03,660
The Anglicans arranged emergency
communion services and the local

390
00:29:03,660 --> 00:29:04,660
a closing down sale.

391
00:29:09,620 --> 00:29:11,040
On to the jokes.

392
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:16,840
Or the one joke, which is all about a
rather unlucky young man who is called

393
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,620
to join the Navy. Before he goes, his
mother said to him, Clarence, she said.

394
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,840
Clarence. Well, I told you he was
unlucky tonight.

395
00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:28,580
She said, whatever you do, wherever you
go, don't forget to write and let me

396
00:29:28,580 --> 00:29:31,820
know how you're getting on. So off
Clarence goes to war, and he's a little

397
00:29:31,820 --> 00:29:34,620
nervous at first, you know, about
getting killed and how it would affect

398
00:29:34,620 --> 00:29:35,620
health.

399
00:29:36,580 --> 00:29:37,580
Well,

400
00:29:38,380 --> 00:29:41,620
we all have to be careful, you know. By
rights, I shouldn't strictly be here at

401
00:29:41,620 --> 00:29:42,219
all tonight.

402
00:29:42,220 --> 00:29:45,680
Only last week, I'll be honest, my
doctor said, if you do any more of those

403
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:46,940
stories in that chair, he said.

404
00:29:47,340 --> 00:29:48,900
He said, you're very soon going to get
run down.

405
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,640
I said, rubbish. He said, you are if you
come near my car.

406
00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:59,500
I'd actually gone along to see him with
my nose.

407
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,820
Well, I didn't actually see him with my
nose, but that'd be a bit ridiculous.

408
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:07,700
No, I actually saw him in my eyes, but I
had my nose with me at the time.

409
00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:15,400
I was feeling a bit sniffly, so he gave
me this jar of incredibly strong vapour

410
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,820
rub. I said, will this clear my nose? He
said, it'll probably clear the studio.

411
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,280
So I didn't bother. However, back to
Clarence.

412
00:30:23,740 --> 00:30:26,120
Clarence, who's now settled down to
naval life.

413
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:27,820
Excuse me laughing, but I've heard it.

414
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:33,880
After he's been away for a few months,
his mother receives this letter from

415
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:38,160
which reads, Dear Mummy, he said,
because of censorship regulations, I

416
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:42,640
tell you my whereabouts or where in the
world I am. But yesterday we had shore

417
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,740
leave and I shot a polar bear.

418
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:46,280
Love, Clarence.

419
00:30:46,700 --> 00:30:50,020
That's all right. Everything's all
right. A few weeks more go by, and she

420
00:30:50,020 --> 00:30:50,899
another letter.

421
00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:55,800
Dear Mummy, I cannot tell you which part
of the world I am in, but we went

422
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:59,140
ashore again yesterday, and I danced
with a hula -hula girl.

423
00:30:59,380 --> 00:31:03,840
Your ever -loving son, Clarence. So,
all's fine, until a couple of weeks

424
00:31:03,940 --> 00:31:08,560
she gets the third letter, which reads,
Dear Mummy, I still cannot tell you

425
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:12,280
exactly where I am, but the ship's
medical officer visited me today.

426
00:31:12,970 --> 00:31:16,330
and said it would be better if I danced
with a polar bear and shot the hula

427
00:31:16,330 --> 00:31:17,330
hula.

428
00:31:52,449 --> 00:31:55,250
Thank you.

429
00:32:00,540 --> 00:32:03,720
I come from Bella Roma and Romano is my
name.

430
00:32:04,020 --> 00:32:08,520
Italians get their name from the town
from whence they came. So is Marlo from

431
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:13,400
Milano. I'm from Rome and I'm Romano.
It's a rotten shame that I was born in

432
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:14,400
Florence.

433
00:32:16,140 --> 00:32:19,980
When I was a small bambino, there was
never bread and meat.

434
00:32:20,180 --> 00:32:21,840
We were far too poor to eat.

435
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:26,870
And a wine gum was a treatable for every
small bambino. There was lots and lots

436
00:32:26,870 --> 00:32:30,770
of vino. And everyone was dying for a
pizza.

437
00:32:32,470 --> 00:32:36,290
Oh, the English senorina liked Italiano
John.

438
00:32:36,490 --> 00:32:41,030
And there's not a miss or mom who can
stay completely calm. And they all go

439
00:32:41,030 --> 00:32:45,870
raving barmy for a bit of our salami
down on Brighton Beach with Mario and

440
00:32:45,870 --> 00:32:47,150
Romano.

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00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,080
Home in Italy, they like to have a vino.

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00:32:51,340 --> 00:32:56,080
They're always drinking vino, unless
it's cappuccino. But now we come to

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00:32:56,080 --> 00:33:01,100
England, the only drink that we know.
It's not the cappuccino, it's just the

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00:33:01,100 --> 00:33:05,620
cappuccino. I saw a lovely talker.

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00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:11,420
I should say, so he got it round the
pub. We're popular, we're popular along

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00:33:11,420 --> 00:33:16,100
field, along the sand. We all get tutti
frutti. And my winkle's in demand.

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00:33:45,260 --> 00:33:51,960
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea. Oh,
I do like to paddle in the sea.

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00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:58,200
When I step in the water from, from,
from, from, from, all the waves go

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00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,260
around my arm.

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00:34:17,780 --> 00:34:23,980
An old ice cream seller once offered the
choice of strawberry, choc ice, and

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00:34:23,980 --> 00:34:28,440
vanilla. He got the bad cold which
affected his voice.

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00:34:28,830 --> 00:34:30,969
Strawberry, choc -ice, and vanilla.

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00:34:31,469 --> 00:34:36,650
He was husky and hoarse, but he wouldn't
give in. And when asked if he'd got

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00:34:36,650 --> 00:34:41,750
laryngitis, he'd grin and reply with a
voice like an old rusty tin.

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00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:45,429
No, just strawberry, choc -ice, or
vanilla.

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00:34:50,489 --> 00:34:55,750
I was swimming in a cold.

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00:34:56,170 --> 00:35:00,590
On the other side of home, on a little
path too far from land I got.

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00:35:01,230 --> 00:35:06,690
But the day was rather lucky, for I got
a hello ducky from a sailor with a

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00:35:06,690 --> 00:35:07,870
hailer in a yacht.

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00:35:08,590 --> 00:35:14,650
And he got quite upset when he hauled in
his net half a wellington, a halibut

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00:35:14,650 --> 00:35:15,650
and me.

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00:35:16,070 --> 00:35:19,690
And he cried, look at that, he's no
bigger than a sprout.

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00:35:19,970 --> 00:35:22,730
And he went and threw me back into the
sea.

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00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:33,490
All the saucy nights you see around the
pier. Big fat ladies on the spree around

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00:35:33,490 --> 00:35:34,510
the pier.

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00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:39,630
Courting couples down the shore. You'll
see what the butlers are all around the

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00:35:39,630 --> 00:35:40,950
bright and the pier.

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00:35:41,970 --> 00:35:45,350
There are lots of bathing beauties here
around the pier.

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00:35:45,590 --> 00:35:48,970
You should see the things they wear
around the pier.

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00:35:49,190 --> 00:35:53,810
Some have wraps and some have rings.
Some have great big water wings all

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00:35:53,810 --> 00:35:55,210
the bright and the pier.

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00:36:06,290 --> 00:36:09,650
© BF -WATCH TV 2021

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00:36:25,379 --> 00:36:28,420
Cara, carissima, bella, bellissima. Look
at the figures they show when they

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00:36:28,420 --> 00:36:31,740
paddle in. Madeline Sweller, the young
Isabella, who isn't a teller, and

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00:36:31,740 --> 00:36:35,100
is Madeline. You can see Lisa's a bit of
a teaser, and Minnie, though skinny, is

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00:36:35,100 --> 00:36:38,260
rather a dear. Look at Big Betty, who's
fond of spaghetti. She's built like a

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00:36:38,260 --> 00:36:41,120
jetty and married up here. What a
variety, what versatility.

478
00:36:41,420 --> 00:36:42,580
Oh, what a remarkable responsibility.

479
00:36:43,180 --> 00:36:44,840
What a delight for our Latin virility.

480
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:45,899
I've got priority.

481
00:36:45,900 --> 00:36:46,759
I've got ability.

482
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,740
We're Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey,
Joey, Joey.

483
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:51,820
One, two, three.

484
00:36:52,190 --> 00:36:57,170
Show it, show it, show it, show it, show
it, show it, show it. One, easy for me.

485
00:36:58,910 --> 00:37:01,750
Scoozy, scoozy, time for us to go.

486
00:37:02,630 --> 00:37:08,070
Scoozy, scoozy, all the ladies know. For
a bit of what they fancy on the prom

487
00:37:08,070 --> 00:37:13,010
around the pier. We've got ice and wax
and wrinkles and you'll always find out

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00:37:13,010 --> 00:37:14,010
here.

489
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:44,200
Well, that's just about all we have time
for tonight, but there are a few late

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00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:45,200
items of news.

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00:37:45,540 --> 00:37:49,340
First sport, we have just heard that the
Irish Indoor Athletic Championships

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00:37:49,340 --> 00:37:51,580
have been called off because it's such a
nice day.

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00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:59,580
And good news from the World Masochistic
Games, the British team were beaten

494
00:37:59,580 --> 00:38:00,580
into first place.

495
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,880
Meanwhile, Ernest Grimble, the unlucky
home improver who put in storage heaters

496
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:10,300
just before the price of electricity
went up, changed to oil just before the

497
00:38:10,300 --> 00:38:14,740
Middle East crisis, and finally
installed solar panels, has now, at the

498
00:38:14,740 --> 00:38:16,400
the first quarter, got a bill from God.

499
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:26,500
The Salford man accused of stealing a
rocket appeared in court today with the

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00:38:26,500 --> 00:38:27,640
rocket hidden up his shirt.

501
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,940
He was acquitted by the magistrates,
then let off by the police.

502
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,660
Finally, the recently revealed fears of
the Minister of Health that the whole

503
00:38:38,660 --> 00:38:42,540
medical profession were against him were
confirmed last night. He fainted in

504
00:38:42,540 --> 00:38:44,900
Whitehall and three doctors rushed up
and tightened his clothing.

505
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:52,240
On next week's programme, we'll be
introducing the Croydon and District

506
00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:53,240
Choral Society.

507
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,660
They will be singing Shirley Hathaway's
Biggest Bits.

508
00:38:57,240 --> 00:39:01,300
And we'll be hearing how leading show
business personalities have been

509
00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:02,380
parts of their anatomy.

510
00:39:02,780 --> 00:39:07,040
If he damages his hands, Liberace will
receive £500 a week for life.

511
00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:11,140
If he loses his teeth, Ken Dodd will
receive £700 a week for life.

512
00:39:11,540 --> 00:39:13,740
Rudolf Nureyev will get a lump sum on
his endowment.